“I’m stupid piece of shit who keeps fucking things up. ”
And, if you looked at this person’s life, it was like they kept making the same errors on repeat. This person just stewed in self-hatred.
I couldn’t blame them, though. This phrase lives rent-free in my head. As it does with most people I worked with.
Childhood conditioning
Too many of us live in a headspace of disrespect. We learned this stuff as children. Parents, teachers, and the general society want you to be a good kid. They don’t like it when they must remind you of their rules or processes. And when they do, it’s negative.
Every mistake is attention. The bad kind. We learn that our actions will lead to bad things.
Kids with attention issues receive disproportionate amounts of correction, control, and criticism — at school, home, and in wider society. So we morph.
We slowly take less risk. We learn to self-monitor. We learn to please others and give up our own needs. We learn we are bad and should be treated as such. We desperately don’t want to be the bad kid, but we keep “messing up.”
What this looks like now
These long histories of mistakes slowly erode our sense of self. Many of us have learned to overinterpret each scenario so that we can anticipate the fall. Each mistake is another opportunity to fail.
Years of failures, particularly those of never being consistent or living up to potential, is often a source of shame and pain for the ADHDer. It’s hearing a lifetime of challenges and criticisms all over again.
Eventually, we stop doing the actions that bring us self-respect.
· Stop having boundaries. Why set any limits if we are just going to break them anyway?
· Quit on our core values. We think we don’t care about them if we don’t do them.
· Stop accepting responsibility. Instead, we can become a victim of circumstances or blame others.
· Discouragement. We give up because these harsh voices are so loud.
What’s going on underneath the skin
This is a deeply neurobiological process. The front part of our brain has many jobs related to planning. One important function is stopping (or inhibition.).
When this part is less active (such as due to ADHD or stress), we can’t put things into perspective. Instead, we react with rapid emotions. Aka all the shame and self-blame.
When we sit in this long enough, we end up tired and wired, unable to do the things that matter. So we give up the behaviors that build our self-respect.
How we can build it back
1. Internal compass. Recognize that your inner world, your actions, and your values need to be your center. You can’t control other factors. You can only build yourself. Start here.
2. Compassion: Allowing yourself to make mistakes and seek help when you need it. Compassion has been shown to improve emotion regulation and overall mental health. Prioritize this as well.
3. Learn to keep promises to yourself. Start with small ones, not “you’ll never do this again.” But that you will find a way, let’s start with this hour/ minute, whatever.
4. Setting boundaries. Learning to say no to things that really aren’t a priority. There are so many awesome and fun things, but we have to say “no” if they really aren’t aligned with what we want in our lives.
5. Acceptance: recognizing that you have a limited amount of control even over your own biology. You will make mistakes. You aren’t in control of the world.
Invitation
Lacking self-respect wasn’t learned with one mistake. It was learned through a lot of failed attempts, combined with a lack of skills to understand them as learning experiences.
You’ve been doing this your whole life. It will take time to gain self-respect by focusing on small wins. But don’t worry, I can help you. Reply when you are ready
Drew
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P.S.S. The cost of staying reactive compounds. If you’re ready to stop paying it, book a free consultation and let’s get to work. Click Here
