"I'm always on the verge of death in my head,"

Howie Mandel told "20/20." Like many of the 4 million adults who suffer from OCD, Mandel's most frequent obsession is germs, but can manifest itself in countless ways that trigger a silent loop of the question 'What if...' in his mind. The ‘What ifs’ are designed to avoid disaster.

Yet, the best avoidance dance of ‘What if-ing” can’t predict what will happen.

For example, one fateful July 4th weekend, he probably accounted for many terrible scenarios at Malibu beach: a shark attack, rogue wave, etc. Yet, he probably did not predict a 4-month-old border collie, who drank too much sea water, getting explosive diarrhea in front of him (Rigs does the best things around celebrities).

Predicting the future promises you safety by attempting to avoid future outcomes. But there is no way to control what will happen even if you are rich, powerful, and capable of making million-dollar deals.

In this week's newsletter, I discuss avoidance, what it looks like, and what we can do about it.

What is avoidance?

Avoidance is about survival. We avoid contamination to reduce the risk of infection, aiding in survival and reproduction. Avoidance behaviors are adaptive strategies to minimize exposure to potential threats. This occurs so we have an adaptive approach to navigating our environment and interactions. Doesn’t sound so bad? Not all avoidance is terrible.

Unfortunately, our minds find threats every day - regardless if they are present. We struggle when consistently using avoidance strategies in non-threatening situations (aka, most of our everyday life.) Our minds generate threats regardless of the physical environment. The problematic avoidance occurs inside our skin.

Problematic avoidance is escaping unwanted thoughts, feelings, memories, sensations, or experiences. This experiential avoidance attempts to suppress, deny, or avoid distressing internal experiences. While engaging in experiential avoidance, we go to great lengths to evade these uncomfortable experiences. These efforts are futile in the long run. This avoidance can manifest in behaviors like substance abuse, procrastination, distraction, or isolating oneself.

Experiential avoidance underlies most of your performance and mental health issues.

The 11 Ways We Avoid

You may think, “I’m a guy who takes things on. I’m a leader.” Well, I bet you do one of the following:

Procrastinate. We delay tasks to avoid anxiety, fear, discomfort, or boredom. This only hurts us in the long term. Procrastination keeps our to-do list full and our mental health empty.

Distract: We don’t like how a task makes us feel. We do unrelated activities that seem more fun to divert attention. Even for the ADHDish, this can be improved by working on sitting with discomfort.

Denial: Sometimes, we refuse to accept the reality of a situation. We don’t face this world's emotional discomfort if we don't accept what we see. Although an internal utopia is excellent, we live in this world.

Conflict aversion: Some avoid conflicts or difficult conversations to maintain peace or not feel discomfort. This increases the distance between whoever you have the conflict with. Conflict is an opportunity to connect.

Substance abuse: Have you ever heard of alcohol being a social lubricant? It reduces anxiety temporarily. When used to escape or numb emotional distress, the anxiety strengthens.

Perfectionism: If we set impossible standards, we avoid pain, right? Unfortunately no, we always face potential failure. Work doesn't validate you. You already are enough. You're real; perfect isn't.

Isolation: Withdrawing from social interactions to avoid dealing with emotions or situations may feel like the natural move in the moment. However, when we withdraw from others, we don't get the support we need to move forward.

Decision delay: Your choice is the most significant power you have. When we frequently hesitate or postpone critical decisions, we fear making the wrong choice. This gives your power to something else that may not be in your best interest.

Living in the past: Regardless of whether your history was good or bad, it can be challenging to break free from past-you’s shadows. This impacts your ability to innovate and adapt to new challenges.

Failure to Delegate: Some things you rock and some things you trip on. This is normal. Yet, when we take on too much by ourselves, we don’t have the resources to do what matters well.

Toxic positivity or Rose-Colored Thinking: If we refuse to think about adverse outcomes and uncomfortable ideas, we can't grow into who we want to be. Additionally, there is an upside to your dark side if you make friends with it

Overly optimistic goal setting: Setting audacious goals can motivate. However, we self-sabotage by setting impossible ones. When we feel uncomfortable with our resources and skills, we overcompensate with goal setting.

What do we do about avoidance?

1. Know how you interact with the world.

Avoidance doesn’t come out of nowhere. These behaviors occur due to your interaction with the environment.

Consider these factors

• the situation, environment, and resources

• history of interacting in this context

• emotions/impulses/thoughts/body

• how you avoid

2. Embrace the reality of your avoidance

All humans avoid it in some way. It’s a feature it’s not a bug. The point is to know when you typically do it. Know your cues. Then you can catch it and see if it’s helpful.

3. Become willing to embrace discomfort

Toughness is the ability to move forward despite feeling overwhelmed and disconnected. This is the same here.

4. Don’t fight yourself to avoid

The more we fight with our impulse to avoid the more it sticks with us. The more we beat ourselves up for avoiding. The worse it is for us. Acknowledging it doesn’t mean liking it. It simply means. Allowing it to be what it will be. Then you are free to do more with your life.

5. Connect today's actions to the future.

Each moment, you have a decision. This decision moves you toward or away from your goals. Let your tendency to avoid be a moment to choose what you want.

News

Ebook! My new first short ebook is out. It’s free, and all about how to use mindsets to stop procrastination. Download it here. Please shoot me an email to let me know what you think.

Workshop! For any of you interested in working with Neurodivergent folks better (Autistic individuals or ADHDers), I’m leading a workshop with my friend Jen Kemp on affirming practices. Click here for more information.

I hope you have a wonderful week!

Sincerely

-Drew